Just got this sent to me.......HAD to pass it along..........


~The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
"The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh....equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."


Mrs. Smith fainted~

__________________
Non illigitamus carborundum~Vos mos non effrego mihi

Coming soon: 'JoeSpecialOps'

I don't usually laugh out loud when I'm sitting at home alone, but that got me. Hilarious!

__________________

is on indefinite hiatus...

__________________
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." - The Doors "Roadhouse Blues".

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..
One of my co-workers emailed this to me.



A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So, he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddieswatching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A young Polar Bear went up to his Mom one day and asked-"Mom,am I a hundred percent Polar Bear?"

His Mom answered-"Yes dear.........both sides of our family are a hundred percent Polar Bear for generations.............Why??"

"Just Wondering..........."

Later,the young Polar Bear went up to his Dad and asked-"Dad,am I a hundred percent Polar Bear??"

His Dad smiled and said...."Your Mother told me you were wondering........No fear,son......both my parents and your Mother's parents are 100 Percent Polar Bear,going back at least a 100 years.............Now....Why do you ask??"

"Well,Dad-it's just that I'm FREEZING out here!!!"

ok I got one

Why I Fired My Secretary -

Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."

I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came to Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.

As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered.

I Worked Until one O'clock and Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me." I Said, "Thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"

We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously.

On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day.. We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

I Responded, "I Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment"

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."

"Ok." I Nervously Replied.

She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There..

On The Couch...

Naked.


Nick

Baby's First Exam

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

One evening, two elderly women that lived in the retirement home were out on the patio after dinner enjoying a smoke. Not long after, it began to rain. One of the ladies withdrew a condom from her coat pocket and a pair of scissors. She proceeded to unroll the condom and snipped the tip of it off with the scissors, then slid it over her cigarette.

Her friend was staring at her with bewilderment. "What is that?" she asked? To which her friend replied, "It's a condom, you moron." Her friend quickly retorted, "I knew what it was, I mean, why are you using it?" Her friend then gestured up into the sky, "The rain silly, it keeps my smoke dry, look at your own, it's all soggy!"

True enough, her friend's cigarette was ruined, soaked through from the rain after only a brief moment. Then, she asked "Do you have another condom?"

"No," her friend replied "but the gas station on the corner sells them in boxes of 3. You should pick some up"

So the next day, before dinner, the elderly woman strolled up the the gas station on the corner and walked into the grocery part of the store. She walked over to the condom section and was just amazed, she had never purchased condoms before, and decided that she needed assistance. She approached the young man behind the counter and asked "Excuse me son, I need some assistance with some condoms."

The youth behind the counter, barely 18, was rather embarrassed by this woman who seemed to be in her 80's asking for assistance with condoms.

"Well ma'am, what can I help you with? They come in a variety of sizes and colors, do you have any preference?"

"Sonny, I don't care how big they are or what color they are, just as long as it is big enough to slide over a Camel."

__________________
I Am Pilot Error...
I Am Fetal Distress...
I Am The Random Chromosome...
I Am Complete And Total Madness...

I Am Fear!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


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From Florida ...I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

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Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

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THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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__________________
Non illigitamus carborundum~Vos mos non effrego mihi

Coming soon: 'JoeSpecialOps'

Funny stuff,boss. My Dad used to say that "hide your own Easter Eggs" one.