So this man comes home from work, he goes upstairs to find his wife shacking it up with the local odd job man.
"HOW COULD YOU!!!" he rages..
"Well.. he came round to fix the set of tiles you couldnt do.. " She replied..
Looking confused he waited for an explanation from his wife.

"He finished the tiles.. and his work was really good.. and so I asked him to clear up the garden.. he'd finished this work off that you'd not done.. and so I asked him to fix the plumbing you wasnt able to do"

Feeling rather inadequate but still annoyed he bawled "And!!"

She said.. "He finished off the plumbing and asked me if there was anything else you weren't good at"

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hehehehe............BaDa BING!!!!!

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Non illigitamus carborundum~Vos mos non effrego mihi

Coming soon: 'JoeSpecialOps'

A cannibal returned from his holiday with a big chunk of his arm missing.
When his pal asked him what had gone wrong he replied bitterly
"Nobody told me it was self catering"

A man went to see his doctor about feeling lethargic he said "Doctor what is the best thing to take when your run down" The doc replied
"the registration number of the car that did it"

A couple celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary decide to spice things up a little by sitting down to their supper completely naked.
"Oh herbert" said the wife, "this is so lovely, I can feel my heart warming already"
"I'm not surprised Doris, " replies the husband
"one of your tits is in the soup!"

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What did teh cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?




Wiped his arse!

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"The Bhoys are back in town!!"

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying b*stard!

You've been playing golf!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said t o his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

__________________
Non illigitamus carborundum~Vos mos non effrego mihi

Coming soon: 'JoeSpecialOps'