Toliet Roll

A woman tells her husband she wants a plastic surgeon to give her a boob job, her husband says:
"well you could always try rubbing toilet roll on your nipples for a few days?"
"will that make them bigger" she asks hopefully...

"It's bound to, look at what it done to your arse" he laughed.

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Blonde Moment

Two blondes are attempting to cross the road. When one of them gets hit by a car.

The first blonde says: "Are you okay, do you want me to get his number?"

The second blonde replies: "Nah I didnt fancy him anyway"

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Two Guys were walking in the woods and found a huge hole in the ground. They wanted to know how deep it was, so they each grabbed a rock and dropped them down the hole. No sound. So they both went and grabbed one big rock, dropped it down the hole. Still no sound. So they went to find a railroad tie, hauled it back, dropped it, and still no sound. Suddenly a goat comes running full speed out of the trees and jumps head first into the hole and there is still no sound. A couple minutes later a farmer comes through the trees and asks,

"Hey, have you fellas seen my goat around here?"

One of them says, "Well, there was a goat that just jumped into this hole here.

"No that couldn't have been my goat," replies the farmer, "My goat was tied to a railroad tie."

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Chuck Norris doesn't Tea Bag. He Potato Sacks.

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics,
this may bring a tear of laughter to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when
"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as
they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep - are you probably a
man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask
him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love
You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the
closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the
bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth
to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of
the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is
it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to
him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are
they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never
do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

__________________
Non illigitamus carborundum~Vos mos non effrego mihi

Coming soon: 'JoeSpecialOps'

(From MAD Magazine's parody of The Right Stuff)"Pilots said there was a demon that lived in the sky.That demon's name was The Sound Barrier,and if you got too close to him,your airplane would shudder,your instruments would break,and you would p00p your pants.But I was not afraid of the demon.My name is Chuck Yeager,and I have been higher and faster than any man in the world.And that's just beer-drinking and sex.I'm also a test pilot."

What's six inches long and starts with a p?
A poo.

two nuns in the bath.
The first one says "wheres the soap?"
The second one replies "It does, doesnt it."

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"The Bhoys are back in town!!"

CHAINSAW:

A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all dang day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and
the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"


here's another
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ON THE WAY TO PRISON:

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."




here's also another

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FIRST TIME:

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."

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"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "

"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo s***. It means someone stole the tent. "

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out
and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells
the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family
pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."

Hehehe...........CLASSIC!!!!

__________________
Non illigitamus carborundum~Vos mos non effrego mihi

Coming soon: 'JoeSpecialOps'