Just got this sent to me.......HAD to pass it along..........


~The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
"The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh....equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."


Mrs. Smith fainted~

__________________
Non illigitamus carborundum~Vos mos non effrego mihi

Coming soon: 'JoeSpecialOps'

I don't usually laugh out loud when I'm sitting at home alone, but that got me. Hilarious!

__________________

is on indefinite hiatus...

__________________
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." - The Doors "Roadhouse Blues".

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..
One of my co-workers emailed this to me.



A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So, he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddieswatching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A young Polar Bear went up to his Mom one day and asked-"Mom,am I a hundred percent Polar Bear?"

His Mom answered-"Yes dear.........both sides of our family are a hundred percent Polar Bear for generations.............Why??"

"Just Wondering..........."

Later,the young Polar Bear went up to his Dad and asked-"Dad,am I a hundred percent Polar Bear??"

His Dad smiled and said...."Your Mother told me you were wondering........No fear,son......both my parents and your Mother's parents are 100 Percent Polar Bear,going back at least a 100 years.............Now....Why do you ask??"

"Well,Dad-it's just that I'm FREEZING out here!!!"

ok I got one

Why I Fired My Secretary -

Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."

I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came to Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.

As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered.

I Worked Until one O'clock and Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me." I Said, "Thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"

We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously.

On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day.. We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

I Responded, "I Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment"

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."

"Ok." I Nervously Replied.

She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There..

On The Couch...

Naked.


Nick

A poor-to-do crop farmer received a letter from his well-to-do brother one day. His brother advised him in the letter that pork bellies were selling well on the stock market, and hinted that his brother would make a better living raising and selling pigs than corn. The farmer decided that his brother knew best, so he sold his crop farming equipment and built a pen and purchased 15 female pigs and 3 male pigs, figuring that the male pigs would spread their seed abundantly among the females.

After a few days of purchasing the pigs, the farmer realized that he knew absolutely nothing about raising pigs. The farmer then drove into town that afternoon after lunch and paid the local veterinarian a visit. He asked the vet the best method possible to impregnate pigs, and the vet replied that artificial insemination was the best way to go. The vet also told the farmer he would know when the females were pregnant because the following morning the impregnated pigs would bay lying down instead of standing up.

This news excited the farmer very much, and he hurried home to tell his wife the fantastic news. On the drive home, he realized that he did not fully know what it meant to artificially inseminate a pig, so he deduced rather than turn around and ask the vet and look like a moron, or wait up to 2 weeks to hear a reply from his brother via letter, that to artificially inseminate each pig must mean to manually insert his own seed within each pig.

The next morning, instead of the normal feedings, he herded and loaded each of the female pigs into the back of his pick-up truck and drove to a secluded area where he would not be discovered. Upon arriving, he unloaded each pig and began to talk softly to them while he had his way with each individual pig. After a couple of hours, he loaded the pigs back into the truck and drove slowly home, as he was quite tired.

Upon arriving home, the farmer released the pigs from the truck and placed them back into their pen. He slowly made his way into the house and took a hot shower and then ate dinner that his wife had prepared. He then told her thank you for the delicious meal and goodnight, and went straight to bed, as he was completely exhausted.

The next morning, he walked over to the window to see how many pigs were lying down, and to his chagrin he counted zero. All 15 females were standing quite alert. He decided then that he needed to work twice as hard to impregnate the pigs. So after breakfast and a few of his daily chores he loaded the pigs into the truck, drove them back to the secluded spot, and did twice the work on each pig as he did the day before. He then once again drove them home, released them into their pen, and staggered into the house, skipping the shower but eating dinner before heading to bed.

The next morning, he hobbled over to the window to count the number of pigs that were lying down. Once again, not a single pig was lying down. He became quite frustrated and decided to do triple the job today, skipping breakfast and all chores, he loaded all the pigs into the truck first thing and drove to the secluded spot once again, giving each pig 3 walkovers each. By the third round, he could barely move, it was all he could do to keep going, but the thought of the huge payday he was going to make when people paid for his pigs kept driving him onward. He finished the job, loaded the pigs, and wearily made the trek home in his truck.

Upon arriving home, he released the pigs into their pen, stumbled into the house, skipped both dinner and his shower, and collapsed in exhaustion on his bed. The next morning, he couldn’t move, so he asked his wife to please go to the window and count the number of pigs that were lying down. She made her way over to the window facing the pen and looked, and then she came back and said, “There aren’t any pigs lying down at all. All 15 of them are in the pick-up truck and one of them is up front honking the horn!”

__________________
I Am Pilot Error...
I Am Fetal Distress...
I Am The Random Chromosome...
I Am Complete And Total Madness...

I Am Fear!

wow fisher

Baby's First Exam

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."