The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "

"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo s***. It means someone stole the tent. "

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out
and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells
the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family
pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."

Hehehe...........CLASSIC!!!!

:cool:

What your good at!!
 

So this man comes home from work, he goes upstairs to find his wife shacking it up with the local odd job man.
"HOW COULD YOU!!!" he rages..
"Well.. he came round to fix the set of tiles you couldnt do.. " She replied..
Looking confused :confused: he waited for an explanation from his wife.

"He finished the tiles.. and his work was really good.. and so I asked him to clear up the garden.. he'd finished this work off that you'd not done.. and so I asked him to fix the plumbing you wasnt able to do"

Feeling rather inadequate but still annoyed he bawled "And!!"

She said.. "He finished off the plumbing and asked me if there was anything else you weren't good at" :o

hehehehe............BaDa BING!!!!! :D

Nasty Holiday and more.
 

A cannibal returned from his holiday with a big chunk of his arm missing.
When his pal asked him what had gone wrong he replied bitterly
"Nobody told me it was self catering"

A man went to see his doctor about feeling lethargic he said "Doctor what is the best thing to take when your run down" The doc replied
"the registration number of the car that did it"

A couple celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary decide to spice things up a little by sitting down to their supper completely naked.
"Oh herbert" said the wife, "this is so lovely, I can feel my heart warming already"
"I'm not surprised Doris, " replies the husband
"one of your tits is in the soup!"

What did teh cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?




Wiped his arse!

After nearly forty years of loyal service, Postman Pat is retiring.

On his final round he visits his first house and is invited in for a cup of tea and a freshly baked cake.

The next house presents him a bottle of fine single malt whisky.

Next, he's given a sold silver letter opener and given a toast.

This goes on all morning, until he gets to Mr and Mrs Smith's house.

Pat is just about to post the letters, when Mrs Smith flings open the door, wearing a really sexy lingerie.
She pulls Pat into the kitchen, lays him on the table and proceeds to give him teh most mind blowing sex he's had for years.

Afterwards, she makes him a fry-up.

As Pat is finishing his braekfast, she hands him a £5 note.

Whats this for?, Pat asks

Well, when I asked my husband what to give you, he said F*ck him- give him a fiver.
The breakfast was my idea.

that is awesome..... :D

lol

Nick

A father asks his eight-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Now that I'm eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups really don't get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."