Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


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From Florida ...I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

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Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

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THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Funny stuff,boss. :p My Dad used to say that "hide your own Easter Eggs" one.

Toilet Roll
 

Toliet Roll

A woman tells her husband she wants a plastic surgeon to give her a boob job, her husband says:
"well you could always try rubbing toilet roll on your nipples for a few days?"
"will that make them bigger" she asks hopefully...

"It's bound to, look at what it done to your arse" he laughed. :o

Blonde Moment.
 

Blonde Moment

Two blondes are attempting to cross the road. When one of them gets hit by a car.

The first blonde says: "Are you okay, do you want me to get his number?"

The second blonde replies: "Nah I didnt fancy him anyway" :o

Two Guys were walking in the woods and found a huge hole in the ground. They wanted to know how deep it was, so they each grabbed a rock and dropped them down the hole. No sound. So they both went and grabbed one big rock, dropped it down the hole. Still no sound. So they went to find a railroad tie, hauled it back, dropped it, and still no sound. Suddenly a goat comes running full speed out of the trees and jumps head first into the hole and there is still no sound. A couple minutes later a farmer comes through the trees and asks,

"Hey, have you fellas seen my goat around here?"

One of them says, "Well, there was a goat that just jumped into this hole here.

"No that couldn't have been my goat," replies the farmer, "My goat was tied to a railroad tie."
:)

A business man was sitting in a bar in a rough part of town, talking to his hand. The Bartender came up and told him "Buddy, this is a rough joint, you don't wanna be actin weird here, one of these fellas will mess you up!"

The Man replied "Oh, I'm not crazy. I just got tired of losing or misplacing my cell phone so I had a plastic surgeon implant mine in my hand...see?"

Sure enough, the man had a cell phone implanted in his hand. The Bar tender amazed stated; "Wow, that's somethin else, but guys here won't understand, so keep it to yourself,ok? I don't wanna see something bad happen to a nice guy like you."

The businessman thanked him and asked for a scotch and directions to the bathroom. The Gentleman headed to the toilet as the bartender got his drink, brought it back and set it at his table. Half hour later, the bartender noticed the mans jacket still at the table and the drink untouched. Fearing the man had been accosted by the patrons in the bathroom, the bartender ran to the bathroom only to find the businessman spread eagle against the wall, his pants and underwear around his ankles and a full of toilet paper wedged horizontally between his butt cheeks.

"See buddy, I tried to warn you if you acted weird here someone would mess you up. " The bartender said


The Man Replied; "Oh, no, it's nothing like that....I'm just waiting on a FAX......"



:eek:

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics,
this may bring a tear of laughter to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when
"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as
they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep - are you probably a
man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask
him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love
You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the
closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the
bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth
to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of
the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is
it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to
him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are
they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never
do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

(From MAD Magazine's parody of The Right Stuff)"Pilots said there was a demon that lived in the sky.That demon's name was The Sound Barrier,and if you got too close to him,your airplane would shudder,your instruments would break,and you would p00p your pants.But I was not afraid of the demon.My name is Chuck Yeager,and I have been higher and faster than any man in the world.And that's just beer-drinking and sex.I'm also a test pilot." ;)

Two short ones
 

What's six inches long and starts with a p?
A poo.

two nuns in the bath.
The first one says "wheres the soap?"
The second one replies "It does, doesnt it."

CHAINSAW:

A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all dang day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and
the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"


here's another
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ON THE WAY TO PRISON:

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."




here's also another

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FIRST TIME:

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."