Off Topic-Humor (Keep it PG, Please!)

[General Scarlett]

Just got this sent to me.......HAD to pass it along.......... :D


~The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
"The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh....equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."


Mrs. Smith fainted~

[Self-Modifier]

I don't usually laugh out loud when I'm sitting at home alone, but that got me. Hilarious!

[Outrider]

:eek: :D ;)

[Blowtorch]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..
One of my co-workers emailed this to me.



A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So, he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddieswatching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[maxtype]

A young Polar Bear went up to his Mom one day and asked-"Mom,am I a hundred percent Polar Bear?"

His Mom answered-"Yes dear.........both sides of our family are a hundred percent Polar Bear for generations.............Why??"

"Just Wondering..........."

Later,the young Polar Bear went up to his Dad and asked-"Dad,am I a hundred percent Polar Bear??"

His Dad smiled and said...."Your Mother told me you were wondering........No fear,son......both my parents and your Mother's parents are 100 Percent Polar Bear,going back at least a 100 years.............Now....Why do you ask??"

"Well,Dad-it's just that I'm FREEZING out here!!!" :p

[bluestalker88]

ok I got one

Why I Fired My Secretary -

Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."

I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came to Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.

As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered.

I Worked Until one O'clock and Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me." I Said, "Thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"

We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously.

On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day.. We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

I Responded, "I Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment"

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."

"Ok." I Nervously Replied.

She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There..

On The Couch...

Naked.


Nick

[Fisher]

A poor-to-do crop farmer received a letter from his well-to-do brother one day. His brother advised him in the letter that pork bellies were selling well on the stock market, and hinted that his brother would make a better living raising and selling pigs than corn. The farmer decided that his brother knew best, so he sold his crop farming equipment and built a pen and purchased 15 female pigs and 3 male pigs, figuring that the male pigs would spread their seed abundantly among the females.

After a few days of purchasing the pigs, the farmer realized that he knew absolutely nothing about raising pigs. The farmer then drove into town that afternoon after lunch and paid the local veterinarian a visit. He asked the vet the best method possible to impregnate pigs, and the vet replied that artificial insemination was the best way to go. The vet also told the farmer he would know when the females were pregnant because the following morning the impregnated pigs would bay lying down instead of standing up.

This news excited the farmer very much, and he hurried home to tell his wife the fantastic news. On the drive home, he realized that he did not fully know what it meant to artificially inseminate a pig, so he deduced rather than turn around and ask the vet and look like a moron, or wait up to 2 weeks to hear a reply from his brother via letter, that to artificially inseminate each pig must mean to manually insert his own seed within each pig.

The next morning, instead of the normal feedings, he herded and loaded each of the female pigs into the back of his pick-up truck and drove to a secluded area where he would not be discovered. Upon arriving, he unloaded each pig and began to talk softly to them while he had his way with each individual pig. After a couple of hours, he loaded the pigs back into the truck and drove slowly home, as he was quite tired.

Upon arriving home, the farmer released the pigs from the truck and placed them back into their pen. He slowly made his way into the house and took a hot shower and then ate dinner that his wife had prepared. He then told her thank you for the delicious meal and goodnight, and went straight to bed, as he was completely exhausted.

The next morning, he walked over to the window to see how many pigs were lying down, and to his chagrin he counted zero. All 15 females were standing quite alert. He decided then that he needed to work twice as hard to impregnate the pigs. So after breakfast and a few of his daily chores he loaded the pigs into the truck, drove them back to the secluded spot, and did twice the work on each pig as he did the day before. He then once again drove them home, released them into their pen, and staggered into the house, skipping the shower but eating dinner before heading to bed.

The next morning, he hobbled over to the window to count the number of pigs that were lying down. Once again, not a single pig was lying down. He became quite frustrated and decided to do triple the job today, skipping breakfast and all chores, he loaded all the pigs into the truck first thing and drove to the secluded spot once again, giving each pig 3 walkovers each. By the third round, he could barely move, it was all he could do to keep going, but the thought of the huge payday he was going to make when people paid for his pigs kept driving him onward. He finished the job, loaded the pigs, and wearily made the trek home in his truck.

Upon arriving home, he released the pigs into their pen, stumbled into the house, skipped both dinner and his shower, and collapsed in exhaustion on his bed. The next morning, he couldn’t move, so he asked his wife to please go to the window and count the number of pigs that were lying down. She made her way over to the window facing the pen and looked, and then she came back and said, “There aren’t any pigs lying down at all. All 15 of them are in the pick-up truck and one of them is up front honking the horn!”

[bluestalker88]

wow fisher

:rolleyes: :p :D

[The Faceless Master]

Baby's First Exam

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Fisher]

One evening, two elderly women that lived in the retirement home were out on the patio after dinner enjoying a smoke. Not long after, it began to rain. One of the ladies withdrew a condom from her coat pocket and a pair of scissors. She proceeded to unroll the condom and snipped the tip of it off with the scissors, then slid it over her cigarette.

Her friend was staring at her with bewilderment. "What is that?" she asked? To which her friend replied, "It's a condom, you moron." Her friend quickly retorted, "I knew what it was, I mean, why are you using it?" Her friend then gestured up into the sky, "The rain silly, it keeps my smoke dry, look at your own, it's all soggy!"

True enough, her friend's cigarette was ruined, soaked through from the rain after only a brief moment. Then, she asked "Do you have another condom?"

"No," her friend replied "but the gas station on the corner sells them in boxes of 3. You should pick some up"

So the next day, before dinner, the elderly woman strolled up the the gas station on the corner and walked into the grocery part of the store. She walked over to the condom section and was just amazed, she had never purchased condoms before, and decided that she needed assistance. She approached the young man behind the counter and asked "Excuse me son, I need some assistance with some condoms."

The youth behind the counter, barely 18, was rather embarrassed by this woman who seemed to be in her 80's asking for assistance with condoms.

"Well ma'am, what can I help you with? They come in a variety of sizes and colors, do you have any preference?"

"Sonny, I don't care how big they are or what color they are, just as long as it is big enough to slide over a Camel."

[General Scarlett]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

---------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

---------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


----------------------------------------------
From Florida ...I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


----------------------------------------------
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

----------------------------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

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Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

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THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
----------------------------------------------

[maxtype]

Funny stuff,boss. :p My Dad used to say that "hide your own Easter Eggs" one.

[Urban Saboteur]

Toliet Roll

A woman tells her husband she wants a plastic surgeon to give her a boob job, her husband says:
"well you could always try rubbing toilet roll on your nipples for a few days?"
"will that make them bigger" she asks hopefully...

"It's bound to, look at what it done to your arse" he laughed. :o

[Urban Saboteur]

Blonde Moment

Two blondes are attempting to cross the road. When one of them gets hit by a car.

The first blonde says: "Are you okay, do you want me to get his number?"

The second blonde replies: "Nah I didnt fancy him anyway" :o

[General Jones]

Two Guys were walking in the woods and found a huge hole in the ground. They wanted to know how deep it was, so they each grabbed a rock and dropped them down the hole. No sound. So they both went and grabbed one big rock, dropped it down the hole. Still no sound. So they went to find a railroad tie, hauled it back, dropped it, and still no sound. Suddenly a goat comes running full speed out of the trees and jumps head first into the hole and there is still no sound. A couple minutes later a farmer comes through the trees and asks,

"Hey, have you fellas seen my goat around here?"

One of them says, "Well, there was a goat that just jumped into this hole here.

"No that couldn't have been my goat," replies the farmer, "My goat was tied to a railroad tie."
:)

[ender098]

A business man was sitting in a bar in a rough part of town, talking to his hand. The Bartender came up and told him "Buddy, this is a rough joint, you don't wanna be actin weird here, one of these fellas will mess you up!"

The Man replied "Oh, I'm not crazy. I just got tired of losing or misplacing my cell phone so I had a plastic surgeon implant mine in my hand...see?"

Sure enough, the man had a cell phone implanted in his hand. The Bar tender amazed stated; "Wow, that's somethin else, but guys here won't understand, so keep it to yourself,ok? I don't wanna see something bad happen to a nice guy like you."

The businessman thanked him and asked for a scotch and directions to the bathroom. The Gentleman headed to the toilet as the bartender got his drink, brought it back and set it at his table. Half hour later, the bartender noticed the mans jacket still at the table and the drink untouched. Fearing the man had been accosted by the patrons in the bathroom, the bartender ran to the bathroom only to find the businessman spread eagle against the wall, his pants and underwear around his ankles and a full of toilet paper wedged horizontally between his butt cheeks.

"See buddy, I tried to warn you if you acted weird here someone would mess you up. " The bartender said


The Man Replied; "Oh, no, it's nothing like that....I'm just waiting on a FAX......"



:eek:

[General Scarlett]

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics,
this may bring a tear of laughter to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when
"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as
they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep - are you probably a
man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask
him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love
You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question
Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the
closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the
bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What
will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth
to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of
the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is
it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't
neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to
him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are
they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never
do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[maxtype]

(From MAD Magazine's parody of The Right Stuff)"Pilots said there was a demon that lived in the sky.That demon's name was The Sound Barrier,and if you got too close to him,your airplane would shudder,your instruments would break,and you would p00p your pants.But I was not afraid of the demon.My name is Chuck Yeager,and I have been higher and faster than any man in the world.And that's just beer-drinking and sex.I'm also a test pilot." ;)

[bigtattoo]

What's six inches long and starts with a p?
A poo.

two nuns in the bath.
The first one says "wheres the soap?"
The second one replies "It does, doesnt it."

[gung ho]

CHAINSAW:

A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all dang day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and
the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"


here's another
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ON THE WAY TO PRISON:

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."




here's also another

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FIRST TIME:

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."

[Blowtorch]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "

"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo s***. It means someone stole the tent. "

[Blowtorch]

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out
and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his
first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells
the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family
pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes,
and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."

[General Scarlett]

Hehehe...........CLASSIC!!!!

:cool:

[Urban Saboteur]

So this man comes home from work, he goes upstairs to find his wife shacking it up with the local odd job man.
"HOW COULD YOU!!!" he rages..
"Well.. he came round to fix the set of tiles you couldnt do.. " She replied..
Looking confused :confused: he waited for an explanation from his wife.

"He finished the tiles.. and his work was really good.. and so I asked him to clear up the garden.. he'd finished this work off that you'd not done.. and so I asked him to fix the plumbing you wasnt able to do"

Feeling rather inadequate but still annoyed he bawled "And!!"

She said.. "He finished off the plumbing and asked me if there was anything else you weren't good at" :o

[General Scarlett]

hehehehe............BaDa BING!!!!! :D

[Urban Saboteur]

A cannibal returned from his holiday with a big chunk of his arm missing.
When his pal asked him what had gone wrong he replied bitterly
"Nobody told me it was self catering"

A man went to see his doctor about feeling lethargic he said "Doctor what is the best thing to take when your run down" The doc replied
"the registration number of the car that did it"

A couple celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary decide to spice things up a little by sitting down to their supper completely naked.
"Oh herbert" said the wife, "this is so lovely, I can feel my heart warming already"
"I'm not surprised Doris, " replies the husband
"one of your tits is in the soup!"

[bigtattoo]

What did teh cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?




Wiped his arse!

[bigtattoo]

After nearly forty years of loyal service, Postman Pat is retiring.

On his final round he visits his first house and is invited in for a cup of tea and a freshly baked cake.

The next house presents him a bottle of fine single malt whisky.

Next, he's given a sold silver letter opener and given a toast.

This goes on all morning, until he gets to Mr and Mrs Smith's house.

Pat is just about to post the letters, when Mrs Smith flings open the door, wearing a really sexy lingerie.
She pulls Pat into the kitchen, lays him on the table and proceeds to give him teh most mind blowing sex he's had for years.

Afterwards, she makes him a fry-up.

As Pat is finishing his braekfast, she hands him a £5 note.

Whats this for?, Pat asks

Well, when I asked my husband what to give you, he said F*ck him- give him a fiver.
The breakfast was my idea.

[bluestalker88]

[QUOTE=bigtattoo]After nearly forty years of loyal service, Postman Pat is retiring.

On his final round he visits his first house and is invited in for a cup of tea and a freshly baked cake.

The next house presents him a bottle of fine single malt whisky.

Next, he's given a sold silver letter opener and given a toast.

This goes on all morning, until he gets to Mr and Mrs Smith's house.

Pat is just about to post the letters, when Mrs Smith flings open the door, wearing a really sexy lingerie.
She pulls Pat into the kitchen, lays him on the table and proceeds to give him teh most mind blowing sex he's had for years.

Afterwards, she makes him a fry-up.

As Pat is finishing his braekfast, she hands him a £5 note.

Whats this for?, Pat asks

Well, when I asked my husband what to give you, he said F*ck him- give him a fiver.
The breakfast was my idea.[/QUOTE]


that is awesome..... :D

lol

Nick

[Blowtorch]

A father asks his eight-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Now that I'm eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups really don't get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[General Scarlett]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying b*stard!

You've been playing golf!"

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The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

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The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said t o his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

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The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

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The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."